I sat down at the computer tonight to finally wrap up my study on the book of John…it has been six months. My desire to study John came out of a yearning to revive my passion for Jesus.
Can I be honest with you? I read chapter 21 several times, did the Bible study last week and ….I GOT NOTHING TO WRITE ABOUT IT! I am never one just to write for the sake of writing. For me writing is sort of like my heart overflowing through my fingers onto paper (well…onto a screen..)
Now, don’t get me wrong…chapter 21 is full of amazing stuff…but for the past two weeks the overflow of my heart has not been about the book of John. Right now my heart is gushing for my kids. (sorry mr. john!)
As I have read through the book of John, I have definitely felt an immense love for Jesus. However, I don’t think I have ever felt as much love for my Savior as I do right now sitting in my chair trying to type through the blurriness in my eyes caused from the tears. Tears that are flowing because of how unworthy I feel to be the mother of two amazing children.
You see….tomorrow I will walk my baby girl into a school building and walk away without her. I’ve been thinking about that moment for over a year now and it is almost here.
My heart is torn in two. One moment I am smiling from ear to ear because I am so very proud of the individuals my kids are growing up to be. Then, with no warning tears will start to flow as I think about the first moment I nursed them, or the first steps they took, or the first tooth they lost.
In the past week I have found myself fighting back tears watching them eat hotdogs for lunch at Sam’s club because that is something we have done together since they were toddlers.
Without warning, tears started to fill my eyes as we walked into church Sunday morning and I no longer had a preschooler to drop off.
Then…there were tears in the dressing room at Dillard’s. And to my sister’s surprise…I was not crying because my daughter insisted on trying on about 40 outfits…Tears came as I looked at her in the mirror and realized how grown up she really is.
I kept getting choked up this week as we made a couple of last week of summer treats…I know all too soon helping momma in the kitchen won’t be as fun as it once was to them.
I even found tears rolling down my eyes in Wal-Mart (and not because I was so ready to leave!) as I made a late night run to pick up a few last-minute items for our First Day of School After Party…
And tonight as I make cupcakes, design a new hairband, lay out the clothes, pack the backpacks, put together treasure boxes, and hang up the bananas (…I’ll explain later) I am a wreck. If this is a foretaste of what the future holds as I learn to ‘let go’ of my kids, I’m not sure my heart is quite ready.
Five years ago I think I would have given anything to have had several hours each day to myself. Back then I longed for the day when I would have a few hours each day to myself to tidy up the house, get caught up on laundry, try out that new recipe, get in a long workout, and go to lunch with a friend and not have to talk over babies.
But now all I can seem to think about is… ‘wish I would have snuggled them a few minutes longer.’ ‘wish I would have played that game with them instead of doing the dishes’ ‘wish I had given in to their request to read just one more book before nap time.’
This I know….even through the mistakes I’ve made as a mom…the moments I have wasted, the opportunities I let slip between my fingers, even still the grace of my Savior allowed me…someone who fails often as a mom…to be used to mold two little hearts into followers of Him.
My heart is torn. One side of my heart is saddened because it wants them to still need me by their side every minute of the day. The other side is bursting with joy that they will no doubt be champions for Christ to their friends at school.
My heart is torn. One side of my heart is nervous because I know as they grow they will begin to better understand the reality of how difficult it can be to live for Jesus in this dark world. The other side is full of elation as I think about the blessings that God will bring their way as they follow after Him.
Instead of regret…I choose to live in grace
Instead of trying to hold on to what was….I will celebrate what is to be.
Because I know now what everyone tried to tell me is true. ‘Enjoy every minute with them because you will blink your eyes and they will be starting Kindergarten.’ I have blinked and it is true. I will try hard not to blink again because I know when I do…it will be time to pack them up for college.